Rant

It is almost 9 in the morning. The temperature in somewhere in the negative 10's and i'm sitting on top of a hill writing this. i never thought i'd put pen on paper. May be it is the lack of something to do. The 'do' includes a plethora of actions including sleeping, yes, i haven't slept for 2 days now. But i'm not sleepy. I AM SEARCHING FOR THE PURPOSE OF MY LIFE. i should be crazy because i don't think anybody would sit outside on top of a hill in -10 degree C searching for his purpose in life by writing meaningless array of words, with numb fingers! i'm not crazy yet. i have a wonderful life ahead. That asks the question, "what do i have to live for?", "what am i?"

i have dreams, aspirations, goals. But i don't seem to be working towards any of them. Am i too lazy? Am i procrastinating? Am i capable of being a successful loser? i have a nagging doubt in the back of mind. Will i complete this rant today, or will i get diverted now and leave it half way through?

This very same structure of doubt stops me from being able to put an effort into anything i suppose? As, even before i start to do something, i'm so sure of getting diverted and not completing, that i do not want to begin at all! This lack of concentration or whatever does not let me reach my short term, in turn my aspirations? i'm not sure of myself these days! As if i was sure of myself before!

i like to think i'm in control of my life, but i'm not. i like to think i make my own choices, but i'm not! i'm not directing my life. i'm taking it as it turns out to be. i remember telling my best mate that i do not want to take life as it comes; but now i seem to be taking it as it comes.

There are too many 'i's in this little rant, but none of these 'i's have a meaning. i'm not able to substantiate it. i came here today to find out wat i want to do. what defines me, what 'i' stands for. i came in search of a calm and a peaceful place, like the top of this hill. What if i'm not in peace and calm myself? What can the place do anything? It doesn't make sense! Nothing does.

Will i find the answers? Or should i find the answers? i heard the phrase, "Man dies, but his will does not", but i can't hear what my will wants. That raises the question, "Is will different from the man?", if it isn't, then the man also does not die. May be the inability to differentiate stops me from finding out myself. I will find out. Or should i say i shall find out? But this can't be the purpose of my life!

It is freezing now. My fingers are half frozen. My toes hurt. i must go. But my 'want' to find out something, which i do not know what, stops me. i'm lost. Are you?