Direction

2009-07-14T04:10:00.000-07:00

You are sitting by the window gazing at green tree tops with their leaves gently pointing the direction of the wind, your mind flooded with thoughts of what you could do next. What you could do that wouldn't bore you and also wouldn't be execrably imbecile. You start to wonder, what you should do to become those leaves. What would be the direction you would point at. Yours or the wind's? Or is there a direction at all? Is there direction in the way you are thinking? Can you give an artifactual justification to this line of thought or would you rid of it considering it to be an insensible play of words formed due to the delusional frame of mind?

Well, what is your reason to do something? You can answer that with a fair amount of certainty, can't you? Happiness. Atomically, you can have a multitude of reasons, but the feigned facticity of Happiness cannot be disproved. It is life's assay at a joke on you which normally tows other emotions. If you would observe the intricacy of the web of Happiness, you would probably be lost in it's multitude.

Think again about the brutally simple leaf, battered around by the wind with abominable cruelty. Is he happy? Or is he just acceding to the wind's tone and tenor? You are probably presumptuous in surmising the leaf's sense of direction to the wind's own. Maybe his mind's gaze is opposite to convention. Interpretation needs a cultivated mind. Even to interpret oneself?

Aren't you the same as the leaf? Defining your direction, but also possibly guiding your conscious self into believing life's will as convention? Is your school of thought amorphous? You might lack clarity and intensity in your direction. The former is contrasted with vagueness, but the latter is accentuated with vividness. You know the purpose, the direction, the mechanism of your actions guided by the innate need for happiness. You also know wind and life are not far from being congruent.

Well, then what is your direction?

Rant

2009-06-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

It is almost 9 in the morning. The temperature in somewhere in the negative 10's and i'm sitting on top of a hill writing this. i never thought i'd put pen on paper. May be it is the lack of something to do. The 'do' includes a plethora of actions including sleeping, yes, i haven't slept for 2 days now. But i'm not sleepy. I AM SEARCHING FOR THE PURPOSE OF MY LIFE. i should be crazy because i don't think anybody would sit outside on top of a hill in -10 degree C searching for his purpose in life by writing meaningless array of words, with numb fingers! i'm not crazy yet. i have a wonderful life ahead. That asks the question, "what do i have to live for?", "what am i?"

i have dreams, aspirations, goals. But i don't seem to be working towards any of them. Am i too lazy? Am i procrastinating? Am i capable of being a successful loser? i have a nagging doubt in the back of mind. Will i complete this rant today, or will i get diverted now and leave it half way through?

This very same structure of doubt stops me from being able to put an effort into anything i suppose? As, even before i start to do something, i'm so sure of getting diverted and not completing, that i do not want to begin at all! This lack of concentration or whatever does not let me reach my short term, in turn my aspirations? i'm not sure of myself these days! As if i was sure of myself before!

i like to think i'm in control of my life, but i'm not. i like to think i make my own choices, but i'm not! i'm not directing my life. i'm taking it as it turns out to be. i remember telling my best mate that i do not want to take life as it comes; but now i seem to be taking it as it comes.

There are too many 'i's in this little rant, but none of these 'i's have a meaning. i'm not able to substantiate it. i came here today to find out wat i want to do. what defines me, what 'i' stands for. i came in search of a calm and a peaceful place, like the top of this hill. What if i'm not in peace and calm myself? What can the place do anything? It doesn't make sense! Nothing does.

Will i find the answers? Or should i find the answers? i heard the phrase, "Man dies, but his will does not", but i can't hear what my will wants. That raises the question, "Is will different from the man?", if it isn't, then the man also does not die. May be the inability to differentiate stops me from finding out myself. I will find out. Or should i say i shall find out? But this can't be the purpose of my life!

It is freezing now. My fingers are half frozen. My toes hurt. i must go. But my 'want' to find out something, which i do not know what, stops me. i'm lost. Are you?

Randomness

Direction

Rant